He cleaned his flat, better than it had ever been cleaned before. Dust that was as old as Robert was hovered up and thrown out with the rest of the rubbish. When the flat was completly spotless, Robert ran a bubble bath and gave himself a good scrub. When he got out to dry off, steam was rising from him and he couldn’t help notice his similarity to a warm dog shit on a freezing cold December morning. Robert let out his unhappy smile at this thought, it’s a good job no one could see how dirty his mind was after he’d died.
Once dry he stood naked in his bedroom ironing his best suit, a black blazer, black tie, black trousers and a crisp white shirt. This was topped off by his dads old Italian shoes which were so well polished that Robert could see his face in them. Just for good measure Robert also ironed his boxers and socks, better look smart all in all than be let down due to one fault he thought. Then with the flat spotless and Robert all dressed up in his Sunday best he stood in front of his bathroom mirror and examined himself.
Earlier that year Robert had wanted to end it. Before he even contemplated how he could go about killing himself Robert had seen something in his eye, when it had first happend he was unsure of what it was, he only knew that it had stopped him from wanting to commit suicide. Then over the next few months he began to relise what it was, that something in his eye, was something that nearly everyone has all the time, the spark of life. It’s the shine in someones eye, the very thing that makes you feel alive, Robert saw it and realised that he wanted to live, to breathe, to see.
It hadn’t lasted long and hadn’t come back since that day, and Robert had feared that it had truly gone forever. That was why he was back here in this situation he reflected, he hadn’t been able to keep that spark for more than the few fleeting seconds it had been there for and now he wanted to kill himself again.
But, Robert decided, if that spark was there again, even for a second then that’s it, this whole silly idea goes away, he will continue to live even if he can’t enjoy it properly. All he needed was that spark.
He stared into his own eyes for a long time, minutes or hours could have past and Robert wouldn’t have noticed the difference, he wouldn’t take his eyes off of his reflections eyes.
If anyone had seen him standing there, in his suit, starring into his own reflection in the most hypnotic way, they may have thought him to be a very confused snake charmer.
Without warning Robert broke the stare and turned to face the wardrobe on the far side of the room. He hadn’t seen the spark he wanted and returned to the task at hand. He thought of it not as killing himself but moving on to a place where he could be happy.
He stepped up into the wardrobe and onto a shoe stand which he had positioned under the tie. He tied the tie tight around his neck, just below his protruding Adam’s apple. He struggled for breath then remembered that that was the idea of this operation.
This was it Robert thought, he was about to leave the world and finally, after all this time be at peace. He began to rock back and forth on the shoe stand. It was hard work to do from the angle Robert was at but eventually he picked up momentum.
The base of the stand thudded heavily on the floor boards below them and the sound grew louder with every cycle of thuds as Robert built even more speed. Thud. Thud. Thud-thud. Thud-thud, thud-thud. Then with a sickening lurch the shoe stand cracked on its front two legs and it was sent tumbling forward, leaving Roberts legs to flop uselessly below his dangling body. The fall from the shoe stand wasn’t great enough to break Robert’s neck and the tie did the trick and began to suck the life out of him instantly. Instinctively his hand gripped at his throat, trying desperately to stop him from dying.
Robert was calm in himself though, although the animalistic part of his brain was going crazy, trying to survive, the logical part of Robert told him that this is what he wanted, that soon he will be at peace, no more pain, no more sadness, he will be happy.
Robert’s eyes felt like they would burst out of their sockets, fearful that that could actually be a possibility and at the prospect of his eyes not conforming with the cleanliness of Robert’s flat Robert closed his eyes, letting the darkness of death absorb. A few more seconds and he would be at peace.
The last breath left Robert's body through a gurgle of choking.
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